| an_apple | 2007-12-09 18:22 |
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mood: anxious music: Kitagawa Keiko - Sakura Fubuki Title: At the rainbow’s end Author: [info]ikujinashi & [info]tsukimiso Genre: Drama Rating: R Disclaimer: At profile Main characters: Picture Warnings: Brotherly love. Summary: Ryo is as happy as he thinks he can be. He has everything aguy could want: friends, a cute girlfriend, a hot mother, a rich fatherand a sibling he doesn’t have to care about because nobody else does.Hiroki lacks confidence, doesn’t know how to do anything right, andhasn’t looked anyone in the eye for almost a decade - but he won’t holda grudge against anyone. No matter what happens, he appreciates hisparents, and loves the brother who denies his existence. Japanese in this chapter: Niichan - More casual way of addressing one’s older brother. (Read more about Japanese honorifics here.) Note: Sorry this is a bit late!  At the rainbow’s end Chapter 29 part 2 The next page with writing on it was full of musical notes,evidently part of a piece of music that Hiroki had written at somepoint. Ryo didn’t understand them at all, they looked like some kind ofalien language… but he followed them with his finger, assuming thatgoing up on the lines meant going up in pitch (he seemed to rememberbeing told that), and tried to imagine what this would sound like -humming it under his breath as he went. The sound was disjointed andsounded strange; probably because the first note had been not even anapproximation but an all-out guess, and all the subsequent notes werebased on the one before it… Ryo didn’t know if he was going too fast ortoo slow, if it was too high or too low or anything but he kept goingdespite the nagging sense of futility. No matter how badly he’d butchered it, he still thought that it wouldbe a nice song. It hadn’t really sounded like it, and while the noteswent on for another three pages he knew that wasn’t really much at all,but an absolute certainty to him was that Hiroki wasn’t capable ofcreating something that wasn’t beautiful. Even his handwriting was soneat, casual yet meticulous, the letters all the same size and notdiffering from one another in size or shape even the slightest bit. Ryomarvelled at it, knowing that he didn’t have a hope of managing that. Another page had what looked like equations on it, scribbled down insome order, and Ryo stared in blank confusion at them. He’d neverunderstood equations, indeed he had never felt the need to… In his lineof work (or what would soon -be- his line of work), what need was thereto know equations? That sort of thing was for the everyday officedrone, the engineer and the student - not managers, CEOs and directors.But it was amazing that these things… Hiroki wouldn’t have written themdown if they didn’t make sense, and they were written in such a waythat it became obvious these were just notes to keep track of something- not writing it down to comprehend its meaning. It was hardly a surprise, of course. If Fumina and Tadashi had botheredto look, they’d have noticed that the son with the talent wasn’t theolder one. Ryo knew this - not in any sort of modest kind of way, hejust knew that it was a fact. Himself, he had personality. He was thekind of guy suited to the job he had been born to fill. But while heacted as though he knew everything and was simply above loweringhimself to such things as doing his schoolwork without having to paysomeone else for the answers, the truth was far different. When it cameto academics he found that he had difficulty picking things up. He readslowly, his spelling wasn’t great, he still counted on his fingers evenif it wasn’t obvious anymore as it had been when he’d been younger… Hiroki was the smart one. The one who might not have achieved amazingfeats of academic prowess but at least managed what he did by himself.The one who’d learned to play piano despite being forbidden to touchthe one at home. The one who was… who was an incredible human beingeven after all that had happened. Ryo sighed quietly and shook his head. Now he had no choice but to bethe amazing son because there wasn’t another one to make him lookbetter by comparison. If those Korean people had really -adopted-Hiroki then by law they weren’t even brothers anymore, were they? Hedidn’t know how it worked, but he knew that there was almost absolutelynothing that he liked about it. A blank page, then another, and then writing again. This time it lookedlike a list of words, each with a few lines of explanation beneath it.Curious, Ryo started to read. Alone I often feel alone, when I’m alone in the house it’s not so bad butwhen I’m in school I feel really alone. I don’t like that feeling but Iknow it’s something that everyone feels at some point. Beautiful Niichan is beautiful. I don’t think he knows I think that, but hereally is. Even if he is a completely different person at school, Ithink that niichan’s personality and his soul are very beautiful. Cool That’s niichan in school. He’s always cool and his friends really havea cool image too. Even at home, niichan’s cool but it’s a different wayof cool. It’s difficult to describe, but I like it. Disturb I’m always afraid that I’ll disturb niichan if I want to be with him,that’s why I don’t ask him that very often. I don’t ask him to be withme often because I don’t want him to find me annoying or disturbing. Ifhe has made plans with a friend or so I don’t want to be in the way forthat. Escape I’m ashamed over it, but I’ve thought a lot about escaping. Not justfrom the house that I live in but even from the world in general. Eventhough niichan always has been there for me I’ve wanted to escape fromeverything. Once I even went so far that I went up to the schoolroof. Father I respect my father. I’m not allowed to call him “dad” though. Once Idid and he hit me so hard that I stumbled in to the bookcase and hit myhead against the corner of it. I got a cut in my head, it bled reallymuch but since my hair covers it no one’s ever seen it. Giggle When I’m together with niichan he sometimes does things that makes megiggle. It makes me really embarrassed but he insists on calling itcute. I really don’t see what he mean, since I’m just embarrassed but Ican’t deny that I actually like it. It makes me happy to hear that hethinks it’s cute, even if I don’t understand. Help I’ve wanted to get help for my stutter a really long time. I’m not surewhat kind of help I’d need though. I haven’t had the ability to lookfor information and I’m shy so I don’t know who to ask and what to sayso I never gotten around to do it. Imagination I think I have a good imagination. It’s because of my imagination thatI didn’t manage to jump from the schoolroof that one time. I imaginedwhat it would be like; not being able to think, not being able to see,not being able to play the piano. Not being able to feel. Even if whatI feel the most time aren’t happy things, I still enjoy being able tofeel. Jealous I’m jealous of the rest of the world. It makes me a bad person, doesn’tit? I think so, because that means I’m not happy enough with what I’vegot and that I want more. There are people who have it worse than I doand still I’m not pleased enough. I’m jealous of everyone in school,I’m jealous of mother and father. I’m jealous of niichan. KISS When niichan kissed me the first time, was when I had fallen asleep inthe couch after having had alcohol. It really surprised and scared meso I didn’t talk to him for a really long time. Now we kiss a lotthough, I like kissing him. It makes me giggle sometimes and I getbutterflies in my stomach almost everytime. LOVE Niichan’s said he loves me. It was the first time someone told mesomething like that and it made me really happy. I love him too. Beingable to know that, know that these feelings that I feel for him arelove makes me really happy. Mother I love my mother, I really do. She was the one who brought me into thisworld after all and I admire her for having been pregnant for ninemonths and then been in pain as she gave birth to me. I know shedoesn’t love me, but it doesn’t matter. I love her anyway. Normal I wish I could be normal. I wish I’d be able to live in a normal housewith a normal family and look normal. Be able to talk normally likeeveryone else and have friends, like normal people. Orchestra My dream is to be a part of an orchestra. I would really love to bethat, especially being a part of a symphony orchestra. But I don’tthink I’ll ever get that far, because I can’t practice the piano like Iwant to, but if I could have a dream come true, it would be to be apart of an orchestra. Piano I love the piano. I love playing it and I wish I would be allowed toplay it more. If I’d be given the chance to practice enough I mighteven get famous, my teacher told me. But I don’t believe that, Iwouldn’t be able to get famous. But I would love to play it regularlythough. Quiet When I go to school in the mornings, the house is quiet. It’s quietfrom mother and father’s room and it’s quiet from niichan’s room.Before I used to hate it when it was quiet but these days, when it’squiet, is a good thing. Often the whole house is really quiet when meand niichan are together in my room too. So when we don’t do anythingbut just sit or lie in the bed and it’s quiet it means that it’s justthe two of us at home and it feels as if it’s just the two of us thatexist in the whole world. Ryo I love Ryo. Niichan, I really love him. I wish I could show him howmuch too, because words just aren’t enough. I hope he understandthough, because I really, really love him. He makes me happy. Smile Niichan’s said he likes my smile so I try to smile as much as I canwhen he’s around. Though he can tell when it’s not a real smile andthen he talks to me instead and I always end up crying instead. I don’tknow how he knows but I like that he does. Even if it’s embarrassing Ilike that he doesn’t mind. Touch Niichan’s touched me, pretty much everywhere and for some reason I’mvery happy he has. Everytime he does, even if it’s just patting me onthe shoulder, I get butterflies in the stomach. It makes me happy thathe wants to touch me. No one’s showed that they’d want to do thatbefore. Understanding Even if niichan isn’t in my situation, he always seems to understandwhat I talk about. Does that mean that he’s sort of in a similarsituation but just on some other level? I don’t know, and I don’t knowhow to ask him either but I don’t really have to know. He’s said he’shappy to be around me and I’m happy to be around with him. I’m happy heunderstands me so well. Virgin I don’t think much about sex or anything at all, but the other day Iheard some guys in school talking about how they can’t wait not to bevirgins anymore. It made me ask myself if I think much about that too.I don’t. Will it be different once you’re not a virgin though? Or willeverything be the same? Is it like having a birthday? Even though a daypasses you don’t really feel a year older - even though you have sexwith a girl things won’t be different? Or maybe it will… I want to know. Wrong My existence is wrong, it’s an error. I shouldn’t be alive to beginwith, I know I shouldn’t. That I’m a boy is wrong too, I should havebeen a girl. If I had been a girl, mother wouldn’t hate me so much. X I’m X. When I was a kid I saw a photo mother had put up in the livingroom. It was of the whole family, niichan was probably five years oldand I was around three. First time I saw it was when I was ingradeschool but then the second time I took notice in it, someone hadused something sharp and carved an X on the photo over me who wasstanding between niichan and father. Now the photo’s gone, I think it’sbeen thrown away. Youth If I’m alive twenty years from now and I’ll see young people, I think Iwill be jealous of them. I don’t like my own youth but I know I willalways be jealous of everyone else’s. I wish I could have one like themtoo, I wish that I could have had things the way that fourteen yearolds have it today. I think I’m really greedy like that. Zoo I’ve never been to the zoo, sometime I hope I can go. I’d love to gothere and see all the animals that you normally don’t see. Lions forexample, apparently they’re very big, I want to see one for realsometime. I’ve heard girls talk about it in school, that they went tothe zoo with their family last weekend and how amazing everything was.I want to do that too sometime. For a good few moments, Ryo didn’t know what to think. He read itover again, and again, amazed by the honesty of the words and how theyseemed to flow as if directly from the younger one’s mind. The wordsabout feeling alone, talking about their mother in such a ridiculouslycomplementary way… The words I’m X. He couldn’t stop looking at it,reading the paragraph, it was like reading a story. Things like thatdidn’t happen to people in real life. Things like that -shouldn’t-happen to people in real life… Gritting his teeth, Ryo stared at the paragraph entitled ‘wrong’ asthough trying to erase it from existence using only the power of hismind. That someone could think that, that someone who made him so damnhappy without even having to do anything would think something likethat about himself when people who didn’t even deserve to exist weresitting comfortably in their disgusting little lives feelingwonderfully about themselves - it was sick. It wasn’t fair and it madehim so -angry- that he had to take a deep breath to avoid getting upand throwing something across the room to make himself feel better.This world was evil, he remembered. It’s survival of the fittest andthe nice guy always finishes last - maybe that was why there were somany problems. It was torture to look back up and see his name again, boldened incomparison to the other letters on the page, and read again theparagraph below it. How was he supposed to react to that? He wanted tosay ‘I understand’, he wanted to walk into Hiroki’s bedroom and see himin there doing homework or reading or anything - he wanted to give hima hug and tell him that he understood. That he’d be there forever andthat nothing would ever change. But things did change. Things hadchanged. And now this room felt about twice the size it had been. Smile. Beautiful. Touch. LOVE. He couldn’t look anymore. Ryo closed the book, promising to himselfthat he’d read the rest just as soon as he’d stopped feeling as thoughthe world was blurred. But he couldn’t find a way to look at thingsthat didn’t feel wrong. He was headed to the same future he’d alwaysbeen headed to, ever since birth the same way of life had been plannedout for him and he’d never wanted to deviate from that. It would be amistake, his common sense had always said, to try to wander off thepath. Hugging the book tightly to his chest and closing his eyes tight, herealised that wandering off the path had been the best thing ever tohappen to him - the thing that hurt was finding that all he’d done wastake an unwitting shortcut toward the same end. ——— Click here to see the diary entry from this chapter in picture form: Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Page 4. Chapter 29 part 3: I wonder what his eyes look like… – Chapter 29 part 3 will be up on the 16th Written by aisoshoko Sawajiri Erika China: http://sawajiri-erika.cn/2007/12/at-the-rainbows-end-chapter-29-part-2.html |
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