| an_apple | 2007-12-09 18:21 |
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music: Aragaki Yui - Memories Title: At the rainbow’s end Author: [info]ikujinashi & [info]tsukimiso Genre: Drama Rating: R Disclaimer: At profile Main characters: Picture Warnings: Brotherly love. Summary: Ryo is as happy as he thinks he can be. He has everything aguy could want: friends, a cute girlfriend, a hot mother, a rich fatherand a sibling he doesn’t have to care about because nobody else does.Hiroki lacks confidence, doesn’t know how to do anything right, andhasn’t looked anyone in the eye for almost a decade - but he won’t holda grudge against anyone. No matter what happens, he appreciates hisparents, and loves the brother who denies his existence. Japanese in this chapter: Onii-sama - Formal way of addressing one’s older brother. (Read more about Japanese honorifics here.)  At the rainbow’s end Chapter 29 part 3 After that last entry and how wonderfully, terribly revealing it hadproven itself to be, Ryo realised that he needed a little time tocollect his thoughts. Just a little, he told himself, promising to comeback up here and read the rest of these entries as soon as he thoughthe was okay again… But despite that, something about the littlebeige-covered book told Ryo not to leave it there. Something about itsaid that it didn’t want to be left on his bed and re-visited at alater date, that he should take it with him. Holding it up in front ofhim as though he were expecting it to speak up, to explain itself, herealised what it was. This was all he had left of his little brother. There weren’t anypictures or long-lasting remnants of any kind… In this house, the onlything that was still around to prove that Hiroki had ever been here inthe first place was this book. And while in this day and age it’s easyto get in touch with a friend, Ryo knew that if they were ever going tospeak again then he’d have to wait for Hiroki to initiate it - afterall Ryo didn’t knew the address he’d gone to, didn’t have a telephonenumber or anything. Right now, this was his link to what had just beensorted into the drawer in the filing cabinet of his mind labelled ‘thepast’. So he took it with him downstairs, tucked it under his arm and triedhard to ignore the pesky thoughts that kept telling him that he wasbeing stupid. He couldn’t help but feel it though. Books can’t talkafter all… even a diary is no trade for the person who wrote it. Butwishing for his brother back was futile, a waste of energy with nopoint to it; he could wish for the rest of his life and still not getwhat he wanted. This was one thing that he actually cared about, ofwhich there admittedly wasn’t a huge amount, and yet had absolutely nosay in. Nishikido Ryo wasn’t the smartest person on the planet - no,indeed he was far from that. But he knew when to keep fighting, when hecould still make a difference - and he knew when to admit that he wasbeaten. Sighing quietly to himself as he walked into the kitchen, Ryo placedthe book on the counter and decided that he was going to forget aboutit. After all, once you start taking orders from a book you know you’reon a slippery slope… Ten minutes later, having eaten something, hepicked it up and headed back toward his room. “This’ll be the end of me, I swear…,” he muttered under his breath, notthinking about how he was actually talking to himself - so long asnobody else was home, he judged it to be alright. “I can’t believe he’snot even here anymore and he can still screw up my head…” Ryo stopped still, hardly believing what had just come out of hismouth, and looked down at the book in his hands. He’d just said it,hadn’t he? It was real, this was really happening - he hadn’t evenknown that he still had hope that it was a dream or a mistake orsomething until it all vanished at that moment. He bit his lip andswallowed hard. Of course it was real, he told himself. These thingshappen in life. You just have to let go because there’s really no wayof getting around it this time. Ryo nodded once, understanding. That didn’t mean he liked it though. Even with the sounds of his footsteps, the quiet squeak of the doorclosing, the noise of fabric sliding over fabric as he sat on his bedagain - even as he heard the sound of pages turning the place seemed sodamn quiet. Too quiet. He couldn’t ever remember it being so silentbefore and he didn’t like it. Getting up, he crossed the room to putthe radio on just to have some noise; to have something he could hearand imagine that there were sounds of life under it that were justmuffled. This way he could tell himself that he really wasn’t all byhimself yet, even if in his head he knew very well that he was. The book lay open - this page didn’t seem to have all that muchwriting, and it was laid out oddly as though scribbled in on a whim.Sitting down again, Ryo leaned back against his headboard and proppedthe book up against his knees so that he could see the writing. I wonder what it’s like to be like Oniisama… What it’s like to haveall the friends he has… Having girlfriends and so on. It’s probablyreally exciting, I wish I could try that sometime. I dreamt about itlast night, which is why I started to think about it. I dreamt thatFather drove me to school, that I was friends with everyone and Italked to a lot of them. I didn’t see Oniisama though, but I think hewas there somewhere. We hadn’t changed places completely but I think Iwas more popular than him but we still weren’t siblings. I was an onlychild. I wonder how he would talk to me, if he would. If he would say morethan just small phrases like “hey” and “bye”. I wonder what it wouldfeel like if he ever would look at me like a brother, if we’d startbeing brothers for real and hang out like other brothers do. I wonderwhat his eyes look like… But he’s amazing isn’t he? Oniisama, he’sreally amazing. He’s got to be, he’s a good student in school and hehas a good reputation and is popular and eventually he’s going to workat Father’s company too. He’s really amazing, Oniisama. Ryo stared at the words as though they were of a foreign language.He’d read them and understood, he’d taken in every last little detailthat he could see, the only way he could’ve gone further would be toactually count the sentences, the words and the letters. Commit everylittle bit to memory entirely, though despite not making an effort todo so he was sure that none of this would ever leave it. He’d expected a reaction. Normally one would smile, maybe, or feel sador regretful or nostalgic - but he didn’t. No matter how many times heread the words, knew what they meant, had them line up in a sensibleorder in his mind… Ryo didn’t feel a thing. In fact, if he were todescribe how he felt right now in one word, it would be one of a fewoptions that all meant basically the same thing. Blank, maybe, or numb. He became aware of the music in the background, though didn’t hear thewords or follow the melody. It was a girl singing. There was a piano init. Maybe if he’d really listened he might have called it pretty, butat the moment it got no further than his ears. Like his mind or hisheart had erected shields around itself, protecting it from any moreharm. He understood why. It wasn’t as if in the last little while he’dgiven himself much to be happy about. Of course he wouldn’t want tofeel any more. It was with no expression on his face that Ryo closed the book andplaced it on the bedside table before moving so that he lay flat,staring at the ceiling. It was little more than a dark expanse,coloured a sort of orangeish grey from the lamp. It hadn’t changed atall. The walls hadn’t changed. This house was just the same, even hehadn’t really changed - but everything was different all the same. Hedidn’t understand. How did everything just continue to be as it hadbeen before? Didn’t it realise that this was the end of the world? Ryo closed his eyes. Three hours later, the radio was still on. ——— Click here to see the diary entry from this chapter in picture form: Page 1 Chapter 29 part 4: Rain was hitting the window when I watched you. – Chapter 29 part 4 will be up on the 18th Written by aisoshoko Sawajiri Erika China: http://sawajiri-erika.cn/2007/12/at-the-rainbows-end-chapter-29-part-3.html |
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