| an_apple | 2007-12-09 18:19 |
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music: AKB48 Team A - Tadaima Renaichuu Title: At the rainbow’s end Author: [info]ikujinashi & [info]tsukimiso Genre: Drama Rating: R Disclaimer: At profile Main characters: Picture Warnings: Brotherly love. Summary: Ryo is as happy as he thinks he can be. He has everything aguy could want: friends, a cute girlfriend, a hot mother, a rich fatherand a sibling he doesn’t have to care about because nobody else does.Hiroki lacks confidence, doesn’t know how to do anything right, andhasn’t looked anyone in the eye for almost a decade - but he won’t holda grudge against anyone. No matter what happens, he appreciates hisparents, and loves the brother who denies his existence. Japanese in this chapter: Onii-sama - Formal way of addressing one’solder brother, Niichan - More casual way of addressing one’s olderbrother, Aishiteru - I love you (more serious/deep than ‘daisuki’).(Read more about Japanese honorifics here.) At the rainbow’s end Chapter 29 part 5  Mother called me by my name today, it always makes me so happy. Iwant to jump around a little when she does but she wouldn’t like thatso I don’t. I smile a little though and she never notices. If she wouldshe would get angry like that other time. It was scary… But it’s been along while since she got that angry and I haven’t made her angry in areally long while and it makes me really happy and then she said“Hiroki” to me today too! It wasn’t in front of Oniisama or Father butit was still to me. She asked me to clean the kitchen while she wasgone, I just finished with that and now I’m going to write some music Ithink… Mother has called me by my name two times this month now, it’ssoon January, but I hope that Father will call me by my name too soon.I didn’t see him at all at Christmas but maybe he’ll be here at NewYears. I hope so, because he will talk to Onii-sama then and he willwish everyone a happy new year, maybe he’ll say something to me toothen! I hope so. ^__^ – Dear God, why do I exist? I wanted to jump off the roof today butyou wouldn’t let me. You made me think of things, you made me realisehow scary it would be to be dead. Why can’t I die? Everyone else onthis planet have missions, everyone else have something they have todo. They all have a reason for living but I don’t, why can’t I just getto die? There’s no reason to do this anymore. I don’t like home, Idon’t like school, home doesn’t like me and school is too difficult forme, I don’t understand at all. I can’t talk properly, I’m ugly, I’mstupid, I have no friends, I have no reason to live anymore but whycan’t I die? I was ready to leave this world, I was ready to go to thenext world, to hit the ground even if it would really, really hurt. Butthen I started thinking of what it would be like not to be anymore andit was scary, too scary. It’s God’s fault, why can’t I die? I can’teven do that properly. – I wonder what niichan is doing now… Yesterday we did stuff, we didthings we hadn’t ever done before and it was a really great feeling, itwas really amazing… I want to do it again sometime because it wasreally really really really amazing. I think niichan liked it too, but…but this morning father came to niichan’s room and walked in withoutknocking and saw us. He got really angry but I don’t think he realisedthat we actually were naked under the cover. Niichan left with dad thenand he sounded really annoyed… I think he might have been annoyed withme, I’ll apologise when he gets back because I didn’t mean to beannoying… Mother calls now, have to hurry! – Yesterday mother said my name in front of Oniisama and father. Atthe dinner table. Then she hit me because I was stupid and I even felldown to the floor. Oniisama helped me up. He always helps me eventhough he doesn’t have to, I didn’t even apologise properly. Father wascalling for him too, but he still took time to help me - he reallyshouldn’t have. Tomorrow it’s Tuesday, tomorrow I’ll go up to the roof again. I feelgood when I’m up there, I spend a lot of time there, if I skip classI’m completely alone there too. I stood there today, I stood at theedge of the roof and looked at all the buildings… I wanted to hold outmy arms, like they do in that movie Titanice - we saw it in school. ButI didn’t dare to because I might have lost my balance if I did andmaybe that would mean I’d fall down and I still think death is scary.Today I’ve written three new songs… but I don’t know how they sound.Probably very bad. – I wonder what it’ll be like in Korea. If I’ll like it there. I’venever been in another town before, never been in another country. Iwonder what the people will be like - maybe they’re really friendly.Mother’s friend must be a really nice woman who would like to have meeven though I’m soon 16 years old. She’s probably a supernice personbut I’m really scared about meeting her and her husband. What if theywon’t like me? How will I learn the language? Will I learn it? It will be embarassingto talk - I stutter so much… Korean words seem to be really difficultto say too… What will the school be like? Will I go to a school at allor will I have a teacher in the house? Will Ryo be able to come andvisit? Can I write him letters or call him? Maybe I won’t be able totalk to him at all, maybe he’ll be busy - he’ll be dating Sawajiri.Maybe he’ll forget me – I wonder why. Why does it feel like this when I think of niichan? Itdoesn’t make sense to me it doesn’t make any sense at all… I love him,I can say I love him so much and to him but everytime I think of itmyself, when I think of it like I am now it hurts and I don’t know howto stop it. It hurts even more than it does to think of that tonight Iwon’t sleep next to him, I won’t be in this house, in this town. Ithurts even more than that and I don’t understand why. Isn’t loving onesupposed to make one feel good, feel better and be happy? I am happy!I’m happy that niichan always have been there for me, I’m happy that helikes me so much as he says he does because I believe in him. I reallydo, even if I don’t understand why. Does it hurt for him too? But it’sweird, niichan isn’t weird. But it hurts so much and I can’t doanything about it… It’s in my chest it hurts but still my chest doesn’thurt at all. It doesn’t make sense… I wish niichan could get home fromschool now. – Maybe I like niichan a bit too much? I think he… might think I likehim too much… I don’t know if other brothers like each other this muchor not but for some reason I don’t think so… I really really reallylike niichan after all, I want… when I think of him with someone elseit really makes me sad too… It’s so selfish, I know it is… but I can’thelp it… if it makes niichan happy I want him to be with another personof course, it goes without saying right? But… Is it true that otherpeople can make other people happy just by being there? I get happyalot when niichan is around but… but maybe he doesn’t feel that way…Maybe he gets happy when he’s with some other girl or something andmaybe… if that would make him happy to be with him… I’m really selfishright? I want niichan to be happy though, I really do… so if it wouldmake him happy I would want him to be with her but… but most of all Iwish I’d be able to make him happy somehow… but that’s impossibleright? I can’t do anything for him after all, I don’t have anything togive him that he doesn’t already have right? But I still want to makehim happy somehow… – あいしてる “Aishiteru”.. I tried to tell niichan that today… but I couldn’t and Irealised that it’s like that, isn’t it? I don’t know where I heard it -maybe I read it or saw it on tv or heard a song or something… but thisthat they say about that love is strong and… something. But in order tohold up something strong don’t you need to be strong too? I’m notstrong at all so I couldn’t tell him… I think I will sometime though… Ireally do… But it makes me sad. It makes me sad and I get disappointedwith myself that I can’t bring myself to tell him how much… how much hemeans to me. It’s not even sure we’ll ever see each other again right?I want to see him again and I think… I want to think that he wants tosee me too! But one never knows what will happen… I’ve never been on anairplane before.. I’m really scared.. what if something happens andI’ll never see him again? What if I won’t be able to call him? Maybe hewill be really busy… Maybe he’ll even forget me… but.. but I don’t wanthim to and… I really want to keep in touch with him but if somethinghappens… I will always regret it if I haven’t told him. If I haven’ttold him how happy he made me when we were together because he alwaysdid! He always managed to make me happy even if I just cried and itdidn’t seem very happy at the time it made me really happy that healways… held me. And how he always made me feel better… Once, ne. Oncehe told me that I made him feel better but it was a long time ago… Idon’t believe he lied! Niichan wouldn’t lie to me, I know he wouldn’t…but it’s been a while now, you know? It’s been a while and… I’m notsure if I do that anymore. I hope I do! But I want to ask him… rightbefore I leave if he liked being with me… if I made him feel betterhappy… He really, really, really made me happy.. it wouldn’t be fair ifI would be the only one who would be the only one being happy right? Iwant him to be happy too… I hope I at least made him a little happy… Idon’t think I’ll ask him though. – The rest of the pages were empty, but for scribbles or musical notesor other things that Ryo didn’t understand. The bright sunlight of themorning was already filtering in through the curtains, lighting up hisbedroom as he closed the book again, though definitely not for the lasttime - the action coinciding with a loud bang from downstairs that heknew was the sound of his father slamming the front door. A return tonormality, a reminder that things really hadn’t changed all that much…Lifting up his pillow and putting the book down in its place, Ryosmiled down on it fondly - finally feeling as though he were able to. “Aishiteru, Hiroki,” he muttered, choosing to ignore how silly itsounded to talk to what was really nothing more than a book - as far ashe was concerned he was talking not to a bunch of pages but to hisbrother. The next thing he heard, though, was his father calling hisname from downstairs; and when Nishikido Tadashi shouts you in thattone of voice there is only one option: go and see what he wants.“Coming,” he called back, placing his pillow back on top of the bookand quietly promising to himself that it would be safe there beforeheading downstairs. ——— Click here to see the diary entries from this chapter in picture form:First, Second, Third, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, Seventh, Eighth, Ninth Not done yet, will be up soon. Chapter 30: I’m Sawajiri Erika… – Chapter 30 will be up on the 5th Written by aisoshoko Sawajiri Erika China: http://sawajiri-erika.cn/2007/12/at-the-rainbows-end-chapter-29-part-5.html |
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